Resolutions for the Unresolved

Well, the Mayans were wrong.  And now we have to deal with it.

I don’t generally make resolutions at the New Year as they are either repetitive and obvious (lose weight, exercise more) or destined to be broken (lose weight, exercise more).  That said 2012 was a challenging year and I woud like to think I learned some things from it.

I am determined to no longer let my job define who I am.  I have worked in the same industry for my entire adult life and while I still find it occasionally rewarding it is a colder crueler place than it once was.  My identity has to be less entwined with the job I do and more about the person I am.  I will still work slavishly hard and will always be a terrier when it comes to commitment to a task but I will not let work be the only yard stick by which I measure my achievements.

I will read more.  And write more-er (and work on my vocabulary, clearly). All too often I am seduced by mindless pass times and forget that I know how to decode text for pleasure.  I have a Kindle – ordering up a book is as simple as rolling over on the couch so there can be no excuses. And as for the writing it is one of the few creative outlets I have.  It is free, it is cathartic and it doesn’t need an audience to be effective.

I will take more classes that challenge my fears and stretch my limitations.   Improv was a revelation and may indeed be the grain of sand in my oyster that one day yields a pearl.  I am taking several more comedy intensives and have signed up for a writing course  and I am actually going to a dance class on Wednesday.  I don’t recognize me and I like it.  The classes I took last year opened me up to several groups of people who I otherwise never would of met.  From lawyers to waitresses, 20 year olds to seniors, all brought together by a common interest and an acceptance of us all as equals.  Opening myself to other influences can only expand my horizons.

I will go see more comedy.  You get more bang for your buck than almost any other form of entertainment, and what could be better than spending an evening laughing your ass off?  I will also see more plays and lectures and art.  It doesn’t have to cost a king’s ransom and I feel compelled to the point of obsession to stuff myself as full of new experiences as I can.  I don’t think you ever stop learning and I certainly don’t want to.  Sometimes the keenest lessons are the ones that happen when you least expect it.

I will spend more time with the people who amuse me.  The roster of the people I see has varied over the years.  There have been some fabulous new players and the continued support of the old.  Some people have gently drifted away and others have remained tenaciously close despite the challenges of time and distance.  I feel like I am a very lucky collage and the people who love and support me have contributed pieces to the puzzle of my life.  I have laughed so hard I cried, and cried so hard I laughed.  Lucky me.

In the same spirit I will spend less time with the people that cause damage. I am delighted that 2012 saw the final excision of the rotten tooth that was The Awful Ex.  (Not to be confused with Willard the Awesome Ex).  I believe that everything one does in life is a lesson but I am truly puzzling over what that one may have been (“Don’t date assholes?” a friend of mine volunteered rather chirpily.  Perhaps.)  Maybe it was a study in contrasts designed to teach me that the only way to lead a full life is to live an honest, respectful, realistic one.  I have about as much chance as being hired as a point guard for the Knicks as he did of making it in the music biz (both of us too old, both lacking the inherent talent required, both without even a basic knowledge of the rules) so I should learn from this to keep my goals within the realm of reason.  Swallowing my fear and getting on stage to do a set is an attainable goal.  Expecting Kristen Wiig to hire me for “Bridesmaids II” is not.  I have limitations.  It isn’t life threatening.  If I learn to work within them I will achieve a greater breadth of experience and suffer less without limiting myself to an easy, challenge free life.  And I will do it with minimal jackass exposure.

I will remember that lessons come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and sometimes the most painful ones are the most valuable.

I am going to try to accept that setting a goal of a life of unending joy is unrealistic and possibly unhealthy. A moment of happiness should be appreciated for what it is – an inconstant, infrequent visitor.  Trying to be hap-hap-happy all the time just doesn’t seem realistic to me and probably unattainable (in my case) without the introduction of a fine array of pharmaceuticals.  I think general peace is a better way for me to lead my life.  The pendulum can swing in a wide arc and while I do love a roller coaster I don’t want to live on one.  I will try to be calm and appreciate the moments of happiness when they arrive, which in my life is often and I am immensely fortunate for it.

I think that is a good start.  I will start by losing weight and exercising more.  Tomorrow.

Wishing you a Happy ( and Calm) New Year.

One Response to “Resolutions for the Unresolved”

  1. all i have to say to that is
    well said.

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