Paddle Board

The other day in an attempt to keep up with my “try every new crazy sport there is” manifesto I took an introduction to Stand Up Paddle Boarding which is exactly what it sounds like.  You stand on something that resembles a surfboard, and you paddle it around.  It looks a little like this:

Actually, when I do it it looks a lot more like THIS

but I went with the previous shot so as to give a better impression of intent.

It was rather windy so instead of blissfully drifting over the glass-like azure of Lake Ontario I found myself in a slight crouch with toes gripping the board trying not to go ass over tea kettle into the surf.  You are constantly making micro adjustments in your stance in order to avoid falling and as such my stabilizer muscles all got one hell of a workout.  Plus I seem to have reverted back to my reptile brain and assumed the paddle was some kind of weapon vital to my survival that I kept clenched in a Vulcan death grip, resulting in forearms of fire (which sounds like something a superhero might have but most emphatically does not).

I had done a rather tough shoulder and chest workout the day before so the net result is that I am moving like an arthritic sloth and not wearing anything that involved complicated closing devices.  Buttons are out of the question and I am truly regretting my wardrobe’s utter lack of velcro.  I had the sudden realization despite my constant exercise I could easily be outrun, out punched and generally out maneuvered by an octogenarian on a a Rascal scooter as my efforts generally cause me to be in at least a moderate amount of pain and stiffness at any given time.

This whole issue is made especially evident by the surfeit of Olympic gymnastic programming that is available to view.  I crimp myself upon my couch, bowl of some unspeakable snack item balanced on my breast and watch the nimble little minxes flip around on balance beams like they are extras in a production of “Jiffy Pop, The Musical”.  I satisfy myself by uttering comments such as “that one looks like a real bitch”, which would actually be justified if one were 17 and had spent the last decade of one’s existence eating nothing but lettuce and committing to a brutal workout for eight hours a day but I must admit it is envy and astonishment that begets such comments. I am hardly the shape nor did I ever have the inclination or drive to be one of their brethren. And no one is judging my less than graceful “dismount” from a paddle board. One hopes.


One Response to “Paddle Board”

  1. Jennifer Ward says:

    Dude! me thinks you are doing a handstand in them there waters, thus combining gymnastics and paddle boarding. Always the trendsetter!

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