Archive for April, 2012

Damn Your Eyes

Thursday, April 5th, 2012

Ah, there is something delightful about starting a post with a Johnny Cash lyric.  I’ll be singing “Sam Hall”  all day now.

The inspiration for said quote is a recent and unpleasant revelation that took place recently.  Let me preface this by stating that I am, in general, I am one of THOSE people.  You know the ones.  The ones that never get sick.  I am a fully fledged member of this annoying clan.  I never get colds and when I do they last 24 hours.  I have absolutely no trouble with my breathing, or my knees or my back.  I have never had a yeast infection or bronchitis.  I still retain most of my original bits (appendix, adenoids, tonsils intact).  I have been in the hospital a few times but generally for accidents and usually as the result for some epically jackassian behavior on my part.  I heal well.  In all the years of regular race walking I never sustained an injury despite having hamstrings as taut as piano wire.  But this whole aging thing threatens to change all that and I am not pleased.

I made myself a preemptive appointment at an eye doctor recently.  I am the only member of my family that does not wear glasses and I had notice that there had been some changes to my vision.  Nothing too dramatic – I have yet to fall victim to the “shrinking arm length” syndrome that seems to be attacking my peers (especially when trying to decipher menus in low light restaurants), but I had noticed that when I rapidly switched focal lengths, like shifting from watching the television to checking the time on the microwave clock, that I was extremely aware of the mechanics of my eyes moving and pulling the new target into focus.  I decided to have it checked out.  After a series of unnerving tests and an afternoon spent wandering around Yorkville after a bout eye drops that made me look like I had been at a late night cocktail with Hunter S Thompson, Samuel Taylor Coleridge and Keith Richards it was revealed that I am need of readers.  Very weak ones – I only need a +1.  This evidently is one of the lowest possible prescriptions which gives me some room to retain my smug sense of physical superiority while simultaneously making said glasses impossible to find at a truly discount rate (like, say, at the Dollar Store).

I think the things that irks me the most, aside from the certain inevitable march through physical infirmity to my ultimate demise, is the fact that I have now been saddled with yet another small, infinitely misplace-able item at precisely the same time in my life cycle that I seem to be losing all small infinitely misplace-able items with astounding regularity.  It is only a matter of time before I lose them on my own damned head (c’mon, you’ve all done it).

Damn my eyes indeed.  And god help me when I think what might be next.